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Bal- Sagoth - The Chthonian Chronicles
Candlight Records
2006
CD
Reviewer: The Goat
I was listening to the new Bal-Sagoth's album, “The Chthonian Chronicles” as I was driving to work this morning. I was struck by how the opening track sounds like the disco war anthem of the Elder Gods of Lovecraft's Chthulu Mythos. I could imagine them dancing while they wait for someone to conjure them forth. No less than 2 minutes into the second track which sounds like Danny Elfman jamming with Slayer, I begin to smell an acrid, sulfur smell. My first thought was that my emissions were going bad. Then there was a loud “WHUMPH!”
“WHY HAST THOU AWAKENED US?!?”
“Whatthefuhhhhh…” I stammer as I turn to look in my back seat.
Lo and behold, Nyarlathotep sitting there, in a somewhat humanoid form.
“Nyarlathotep?” More of a statement than a question.
“Yes, it is I. You summoned me.”
“Did not.”
“Did too.”
Then it dawned on me. The new Bal-Sagoth! The chanting during “Invocations Beyond the Outer-World Night” must have summoned Nyarlathotep to my car!
“Who is this?” The Elder God asks. I tell him it's Bal-Sagoth's new album. “Are they chanting?”
“Yeah, they must have summoned you.”
“I like those keyboards. They remind me of Holst,” Nyarlathotep says. I tell him the keyboardist is Jonny Maudling, who is actually influenced by Holst. I tell Nyarlathotep that the guitarist is Jonny's brother, Chris. Nyarlathotep remarks that the guitars have the right amount of distortion to give their sound a malevolent edge, something worthy of Cthulu. Before I can reply, there is a second “WHUMPH!” and Yog-Sothoth manifests in my car. “Why didst thou… oh hey bro.”
Yog-Sothoth asks who's playing. Nyarlathotep tells him. Yog-Sothoth says they sound a little like Cradle of Filth. Nyarlathotep disagrees and says the production is far better than any of Cradle's works. The Elder God states that Byron's voice is a better counter point to the music. Both Elder Gods agree that they need this music to be blasting as they rip through universes, like how Kilgore in 'Apocalypse Now' blasted Wagner when he was attacking that village.
As Byron begins narrating during “Obsidian Crown,” Yog-Sothoth says, “This sounds like the guy from Hellraiser…what's his name?”
I say, “You mean Doug Bradley?”
Yog-Sothoth says, “No, the other dude.”
Nyarlathotep says, “You mean, Doug Bradley?”
Yog-Sothoth says, “Yeah, him.”
I say, “I just said that.”
Yog-Sothoth says, “Yes, but you are a puny mortal with too much hair.”
The Elder gods start thrashing their 'heads' to a particularly thrashing breakdown in “Obsidian Crown” and utter some 'yeahs.' It is a fast song with a really driving attack during which Byron is uttering another incantation. A third “WHUMPH!” precedes Shub-Niggurath appearing in my car. The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young greets the other two. After such a thrash attack, “Fallen Kingdoms” mellows the gods out.
Nyarlathotep says, “This reminds me of a Goth chick I dated once.”
Shub-Niggurath says, “H. P. would've loved this.”
Yog-Sothoth says, “Reminds me of a metalhead I once ate.”
When “Shackled to the Trilithon” comes on, my poor car starts wobbling side to side as the Elder Gods start slam dancing in the back seat to the blastbeats and shredding guitars. It was beginning to look like a scene from a Lovecraftian version of Wayne 's World. At least, they weren't singing along. On the positive side, cars were moving out of my way as I was driving.
Finally, I arrive at my job, very near to Port Newark. Nyarlathotep is the first one out of my car and says, “Ewwwww, what's that smell?”
As I am turning off my car, cutting off Byron's narration and potential conjuration of another god, Yog-Sothoth hits the eject button on my CD player. He grabs the Bal-Sagoth CD and yells - “RUN!” - to the other Gods. The Elder Gods lurch off and tear a hole in the Space/Time Continuum to escape.
I am left alone, my Mazda reeking of Cthulu farts.
Damn the Old Ones, I was annoyed. It was a good CD. Yog-Sothoth highly recommends it.
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